Till Jannah

 Semoga Allah memberkati perkahwinan kita hingga Ke Jannah.

Terima kasih kerana menerima diri saya yang penuh dengan kekurangan dan cacat lela.

Terima kasih kerana sentiasa ada dengan saya mengharungi onak dan duri ranjau kehidupan. 

Dan terima kasih kerana sentiasa cuba untuk melapangkan hati saya. 

Moga kita sentiasa melengkapi sehingga kita menutup mata. Semoga keluarga kecil kita menjadi keluarga yang sakinah, mawaddah dan warahmah. 

Alhamdulillah syukur. Tahun ni dapat pindah ke Kedah dan tahun ini Allah temukan jodoh. 

It feels so surreal and I am still holding on to the clouds ♥️

Jannah

 Al-fatihah to your mother.

May your mother rests in peace in heaven.

My condolescence to you and your family. May Allah ease the sorrow and pain in your chest.

I couldn't imagine how my life would be without my mother.

Take care of yourself. Be strong. We no longer speak nor keep in touch but I know something is wrong when I had a dream. about you and your mother. HECK, I Don't even know why I am writing this post. It is futile as you never read them. It is just that I need to get this out of my chest.

Allah lebih sayangkan mak awak. May Allah grants her the highest place in Jannah.

Promise me you will take care of yourself ya. 

Nur Nilam Sari

Redup yang ku pasangkan angan

Sekadar berhasrat

Berlindung dalam lena

Pejamkan mata

Untuk ku lupakan sengsara

Berapa kerdipan

Melaraskan jiwa

Menyusuk ke arah

Asal ku

Senyumanmu satu azimat

Buat diriku yang hina

Manusia yang terpinggir melara

Tak pernah kenal erti bahagia

Namun ku masih gembira

Bagi ku rahmat semuanya

Oh, mungkin kalau nasib ku berbeza

Aku tidak mampu menilaikan dikau. 

Dream 2

 I dreamt about you for the second time. I don't feel happy about it. It's just weird because I don't think about you anymore. You're just a distant memory, trapped in the deepest and darkest corner of my closet and yet, you seemed to appear one more time. Still, you are in my dream and, I can feel that you are not okay emotionally. 

I don't what this means, but I hope you take a good care of yourself. If you are in trouble, I pray for Allah to lift all your problems and the heavy burden of this world off your shoulder. Probably, you have forgotten about me, I understand that. However, sometimes I pray for your health and happiness. I miss reading your blog, Idk. Hopefully, I can read it for one more time. 

Dreams

 I dreamt about you last night.

It was bizarre since I thought I already forgot about you.

I thought I had wiped away all of our memories.

Apparently, I am not. 

In my dream, we had a meeting together with your mother in a fancy restaurant. I asked her why she never liked me in the first place? What have I done till she loathed my existence?

She answered me calmly "I don't know, I just don't like you. You are not a great fit for my son and my son deserves someone better"

Suprisingly, I was cool as cucumber, I accepted her answer wholeheartedly and suddenly, I felt a heavy burden has been lifted from my shoulder.

You just sat there and looked at me in despair. After that, your mother left and both of us cried and  parted our ways and bid farewell for the last time. 

MAM, I am getting married in a few months. Alhamdulillah and thank you for your doa at Mekah. I hope that was the last time I had a strange dream about your. Live long and prosper. You deserve all the happiness in this world and your mother is right, we don't deserve each other. We deserve someone better. 

Tambahan.

 Luka dan dilukai

Curang dan dicurangi

Sayang dan disayangi

Perkataan yang mempunyai kata dasar yang sama, tetapi berbeza makna bila wujudnya imbuhan

Begitu juga hidup dan kehidupan, tampak sama pada dasarnya, tapi ada beza tentang makna hidup dan kehidupan. 

Jika manusia hanya ingin hidup di atas mula bumi, celakalah kehidupannya. 

The hardest question.

As a teacher, the hardest question from students  would be "kenapa nama saya tiada bin/binti teacher?"

And there I was, standing blankly and staring those demanding eyes. Yes, he/she  insisted  on and begged for the answers to satisfy their itching curiosity. 

I tried to clear the lump in my throat before I parted my mouth to give the answers she/he had been waiting for. 

Then, I went with " why? where is this coming from? ", I tried so hard to ease the conversation, navigating my mind to find the loophole and tried to escape from this dire situation. 

“saya dah buat research, saya tahu status saya

And my mind went numb. I froze there for a few minutes. It was hard for me to drop the truth but I knew, I have to do it. 

Then, the long conversation started with "Saya minta maaf, saya..." 

While I explained few things especially the importance of knowing what are our locus of control are and how she/he mustn't dwell in the sad past, I saw, tears were streaming down her/his face. I knew at the moment, her/his wall was crumbling down and she has no one to help her and pick up the pieces. 

I consoled her/him, so I thought, as best as I could. We talked about a few other things and how she/he actually put things together before she realised the truth. It was really sad yet it did bring us together. 

When she/he excused herself/himself because it was the time for him/her to go home, she/he asked me whether she still can text or dm me if she ever feels lonely. 

And I said yes, not because I have to ; it's my obligation to support her.