Wednesday, August 29, 2018

Doa

Ada seorang ustaz pernah berkata,
antara tanda doa yang dimakbulkan adalah doa yang membuatkan bulu roma meremang,
yang hadir dari hati yang paling dalam,
yang lahir bersama air mata yang tidak dapat ditahan.

Aku pernah merasai doa sebegitu, tahun lalu.
Namun, masih ada doa-doaku yang tertunda,
tergantung di langit takdir, menanti jawapan yang belum tiba.

Dan malam ini, untuk kesejuta kalinya,
aku menadah tangan lagi, melafazkan doa yang sama,
berulang-ulang tanpa henti, tanpa jemu.
Air mata menitis, merintik,
hingga menjadi esakan pilu yang menggema dalam sepi.
Hingga telingaku berdengung,
hingga urat-urat di kepalaku menegang,
seakan mahu terputus kerana bebanan yang terlalu bera, tidak betah ku tanggung.
(Hari ini kepalaku masih sakit, mengingatkan tangisan semalam.)

Doaku malam ini terasa lebih syahdu,
kerana seakan-akan langit sendiri tahu,
bahawa khabar gembira itu tidak akan kunjung tiba.
Namun, hati ini masih degil,
masih berkeras mempertahankan satu harapan yang rapuh.

Ya Allah, jika tiada jodohku dengan dia,
aku akan cuba untuk redha.
Tetapi, cabutlah rasa cinta ini, buangkan ia jauh dariku,
agar aku tidak mencintai sesiapa lagi selepas ini.
Biarlah aku membujang hingga tua, Ya Allah,
asalkan hati ini tidak lagi terbebani rindu yang tidak berbalas.

Tuesday, August 28, 2018

Curang

Pernah tak rasa bila sesuatu benda yang kita inginkan dan perkara yang kita sangat mahukan tidak diperkenankan atau dimakbulkan , kita mula berputus asa?

Kadang- kala cabaran yang terlalu banyak itu sudah jadi petunjuk yang sememangnya kita ini mungkin tidak ditakdirkan bersama.


Ya aku bukan perempuan yang baik dan aku tiada kuasa untuk mengawal apa yang masuk ke dalam minpi.

Tapi , aku berusaha untuk tidak curang dan menjaga kehormatanku.

Thursday, August 23, 2018

mahal kita

I miss you badly.
I miss you even u lie to me.
I miss you even you've left me
I miss you till it hurts
So, I hold my chest and close my eyes.

Take care abang. Doakan kita di Mekah.

even after this, the answer is still no, I will always love you. If we can't be together, I hope we will be together in the afterlife

Even if you leave me like you did before, I will forgive you and move on. I will.

Tuesday, August 14, 2018

Iritated

Have u ever felt iritated up to the point you wantwd to cryv

Yes I have. It was out of frustration.

Fragile

I don't feel well today. I can't think straight and my mind can't focus. I tried so hard to drag my feet to the classroom and when my class has finished, it feels like I've been hit by a truck.


The moment like this reminds me that I need to be strong. I can't be that fragile girl who depends on her partner. So, I am wiping my tears alone tonight. 

Monday, August 13, 2018

Day 2 : Si kayu

During phone conversation, I teased him harshly. He laughed loudly before he said " Kurang ajar punya gf" and I let him be.

I let him be because I know he is happy and when Si Kayu feels jubilant, he tends to say whatever his heart wants to.


I love you abang. I really do.


Day 4 : Bagai Pungguk Rindukan Bulan

Ketika tirai malam berlabuh, dan embun pagi mula menyusul

aku mendengar nafas lembutmu yang mengalunkan irama indah di telingaku,

dan ketika itu, aku tahu, aku jatuh cinta kepadamu untuk seribu kalinya.


Aku mahu mimpimu secerah bintang dan jiwamu setenang hembusan angin,

Aku mahu mendakapmu dengan kelembutan seorang wanita

dan aku mahu menatap wajahmu yang sedang tidur

tapi apakan daya, tidak semua benda dalam dunia ini yang pantas kita dapatkan.


Tidurlah abang,

Tidurlah dengan nyenyak

Biarkan rasa rindu ku yang menggunung ini menemani tidurmu.








Day 3 : Selamat Hari Lahir dan Hari Kidal Sedunia untuk kita.



Selamat Hari Lahir Abang,
Semoga Allah memakbulkan doa - doa abang dan doa-doa kita yang telah lama tertunda. 
I love you to the moon and back,

Ya Allah, sempatkan aku untuk menyambut hari lahir bersamanya ;(, menatap matanya yang gembira, dan menghabiskan masa-masa aku bersamanya.


ya Tuhan, lancarkanlah hari aku bersamanya pada masa yang datang.



Sunday, August 12, 2018

Day 1 : Wanita terbahagia.

Abang, jadikan aku wanita yang terbahagia di dunia.

Thanks for your time, effort and love. I love you to the death MAM.


Thursday, August 9, 2018

Stonecold.

Sometimes, all that I need is  2 simple paragraphs to put an end to everything. It may not be sufficient enough to explain the wasted 6 years of us being together  and it definitely does not answer the big WHY and HOW. Nonetheless, it helps me to accept the fate and move on. I thought if I knew the closure and the reason why all of this happened , I would be happy. Oh heck, I was wrong. All I need is to make up my own closure and to be honest, the goodbye is bittersweet.

Thank you for your courage to write a post about me and despite of your reluctance to reply my comment and avoiding any sort of communication with me till it makes me feel like I am really disgusting in front of your eyes, I forgive you. I want to let go all the hatred, regret and negative emotions that have dwelled inside my heart for so long.

Before I post a song that perfectly encapsulates how do I feel about you now, I want to ask one question. What's the point of telling the whole world that you feel proud of me as I was your girlfriend before when you were the one who left me? Isn't it ironic? You don't leave someone that you feel proud of.


Lagu


Sunday, August 5, 2018

To all the men I've loved before.

I've read a teenage fiction and this teenage fiction has been adapted to Netflix series. The title is to all the boys I've loved.

I find it very bewildered, amusing and heartwarming. It kinda brings back old memories and I did enjoy a few parts of it. It is about a shy and domesticated girl, Lara Covet song who wrote the letter to her past crushes. It's not the typical love letter as it is a tool for her to profess her love and end her crush.

However, the letters are meant for her only eyes as she keeps the letters in a hidden pink box. Unfortunately the letter are sent to previous five crushes and she needs to confront them one by one. The situation is getting complicated and trickier as one of the crush is her sister's ex boyfriend, Josh, knew about the letter.

Therefore, to avoid confrontation and going behind her sister back, she made an agreement with Peter Kavinsky ( Lara Covet Song past crush)  as they will pretend as boyfriend and girlfriend. This happens because Lara wants to drive Josh away and Peter needs to make her ex girlfriend, Geneive wants him back.


Later that she knows, the feelings are getting complicated and she is starting to fall in love with Peter. Peter has been described as handsome,  movie material  and foul-mouthed.


There is one conflict that really leave a mark in my heart. It starts when Peter try to convince Lara that he isn't the one who told everybody they have sex in the hot tub during skiing vacation ( they did kiss anyway) and Peter figured out the common thing between all of Lara's crush during the heated arguement. Lara loves all of them because she thinks she can't have them as boyfriend. She  is scared of starting new relationship as she is not a risk-taker and I kinda get that. Lara reminds me of myself  as I am afraid to get back into the relationship after what have happened to me over the past years.

I have a crush on someone else's boyfriend, I have a crush on someone who is way out of my league,I have a crush on  my collegue who doesn't even bother to say hi to me, I even have a crush on somebody who is afraid of commitment and the list is endless.

and they share the same thing too ; they are somebody who I can't afford to have as my boyfriend because I am afraid to take chances.


Friday, August 3, 2018

water under the bridge.

if you gonna let me down,

let me down  gently,

don't pretend that you don't want me.

our love ain't water under the bridge.


 Put Some  Furaiha caramel and dark red shade lipstick and I'm ready to go.