I miss you

I miss you till it send shivers through my spine.

I just knew you for a few weeks and everytime I talk to you, I blush like silly little girl.

and now, I am fully awake at 3.00 am, waiting for you to reply my text. 

Gush, I hate this feeling.

Doa

Ada seorang ustaz pernah berkata,
antara tanda doa yang dimakbulkan adalah doa yang membuatkan bulu roma meremang,
yang hadir dari hati yang paling dalam,
yang lahir bersama air mata yang tidak dapat ditahan.

Aku pernah merasai doa sebegitu, tahun lalu.
Namun, masih ada doa-doaku yang tertunda,
tergantung di langit takdir, menanti jawapan yang belum tiba.

Dan malam ini, untuk kesejuta kalinya,
aku menadah tangan lagi, melafazkan doa yang sama,
berulang-ulang tanpa henti, tanpa jemu.
Air mata menitis, merintik,
hingga menjadi esakan pilu yang menggema dalam sepi.
Hingga telingaku berdengung,
hingga urat-urat di kepalaku menegang,
seakan mahu terputus kerana bebanan yang terlalu bera, tidak betah ku tanggung.
(Hari ini kepalaku masih sakit, mengingatkan tangisan semalam.)

Doaku malam ini terasa lebih syahdu,
kerana seakan-akan langit sendiri tahu,
bahawa khabar gembira itu tidak akan kunjung tiba.
Namun, hati ini masih degil,
masih berkeras mempertahankan satu harapan yang rapuh.

Ya Allah, jika tiada jodohku dengan dia,
aku akan cuba untuk redha.
Tetapi, cabutlah rasa cinta ini, buangkan ia jauh dariku,
agar aku tidak mencintai sesiapa lagi selepas ini.
Biarlah aku membujang hingga tua, Ya Allah,
asalkan hati ini tidak lagi terbebani rindu yang tidak berbalas.

Curang

Pernah tak rasa bila sesuatu benda yang kita inginkan dan perkara yang kita sangat mahukan tidak diperkenankan atau dimakbulkan , kita mula berputus asa?

Kadang- kala cabaran yang terlalu banyak itu sudah jadi petunjuk yang sememangnya kita ini mungkin tidak ditakdirkan bersama.


Ya aku bukan perempuan yang baik dan aku tiada kuasa untuk mengawal apa yang masuk ke dalam minpi.

Tapi , aku berusaha untuk tidak curang dan menjaga kehormatanku.

mahal kita

I miss you badly.
I miss you even u lie to me.
I miss you even you've left me
I miss you till it hurts
So, I hold my chest and close my eyes.

Take care abang. Doakan kita di Mekah.

even after this, the answer is still no, I will always love you. If we can't be together, I hope we will be together in the afterlife

Even if you leave me like you did before, I will forgive you and move on. I will.

Iritated

Have u ever felt iritated up to the point you wantwd to cryv

Yes I have. It was out of frustration.

Fragile

I don't feel well today. I can't think straight and my mind can't focus. I tried so hard to drag my feet to the classroom and when my class has finished, it feels like I've been hit by a truck.

The moment like this reminds me that I need to be strong. I can't be that fragile girl who depends on her partner. So, I am wiping my tears alone tonight. 

Day 2 : Si kayu

During phone conversation, I teased him harshly. He laughed loudly before he said " Kurang ajar punya gf" and I let him be.

I let him be because I know he is happy and when Si Kayu feels jubilant, he tends to say whatever his heart wants to.


I love you abang. I really do.

Day 4 : Bagai Pungguk Rindukan Bulan

Ketika tirai malam berlabuh, dan embun pagi mula menyusul

aku mendengar nafas lembutmu yang mengalunkan irama indah di telingaku,

dan ketika itu, aku tahu, aku jatuh cinta kepadamu untuk seribu kalinya.


Aku mahu mimpimu secerah bintang dan jiwamu setenang hembusan angin,

Aku mahu mendakapmu dengan kelembutan seorang wanita

dan aku mahu menatap wajahmu yang sedang tidur

tapi apakan daya, tidak semua benda dalam dunia ini yang pantas kita dapatkan.


Tidurlah abang,

Tidurlah dengan nyenyak

Biarkan rasa rindu ku yang menggunung ini menemani tidurmu.

Day 3 : Selamat Hari Lahir dan Hari Kidal Sedunia untuk kita.

Selamat Hari Lahir Abang,

Semoga Allah memakbulkan doa - doa abang dan doa-doa kita yang telah lama tertunda. 

I love you to the moon and back,

Ya Allah, sempatkan aku untuk menyambut hari lahir bersamanya ;(, menatap matanya yang gembira, dan menghabiskan masa-masa aku bersamanya.

ya Tuhan, lancarkanlah hari aku bersamanya pada masa yang datang.

Day 1 : Wanita terbahagia.

Abang, jadikan aku wanita yang terbahagia di dunia.

Thanks for your time, effort and love. I love you to the death MAM.

Stonecold.

Sometimes, all that I need is  2 simple paragraphs to put an end to everything. It may not be sufficient enough to explain the wasted 6 years of us being together  and it definitely does not answer the big WHY and HOW. Nonetheless, it helps me to accept the fate and move on. I thought if I knew the closure and the reason why all of this happened , I would be happy. Oh heck, I was wrong. All I need is to make up my own closure and to be honest, the goodbye is bittersweet.

Thank you for your courage to write a post about me and despite of your reluctance to reply my comment and avoiding any sort of communication with me till it makes me feel like I am really disgusting in front of your eyes, I forgive you. I want to let go all the hatred, regret and negative emotions that have dwelled inside my heart for so long.

Before I post a song that perfectly encapsulates how do I feel about you now, I want to ask one question. What's the point of telling the whole world that you feel proud of me as I was your girlfriend before when you were the one who left me? Isn't it ironic? You don't leave someone that you feel proud of.


Lagu

To all the men I've loved before.

I've read a teenage fiction and this teenage fiction has been adapted to Netflix series. The title is to all the boys I've loved.

I find it very bewildered, amusing and heartwarming. It kinda brings back old memories and I did enjoy a few parts of it. It is about a shy and domesticated girl, Lara Covet song who wrote the letter to her past crushes. It's not the typical love letter as it is a tool for her to profess her love and end her crush.

However, the letters are meant for her only eyes as she keeps the letters in a hidden pink box. Unfortunately the letter are sent to previous five crushes and she needs to confront them one by one. The situation is getting complicated and trickier as one of the crush is her sister's ex boyfriend, Josh, knew about the letter.

Therefore, to avoid confrontation and going behind her sister back, she made an agreement with Peter Kavinsky ( Lara Covet Song past crush)  as they will pretend as boyfriend and girlfriend. This happens because Lara wants to drive Josh away and Peter needs to make her ex girlfriend, Geneive wants him back.


Later that she knows, the feelings are getting complicated and she is starting to fall in love with Peter. Peter has been described as handsome,  movie material  and foul-mouthed.


There is one conflict that really leave a mark in my heart. It starts when Peter try to convince Lara that he isn't the one who told everybody they have sex in the hot tub during skiing vacation ( they did kiss anyway) and Peter figured out the common thing between all of Lara's crush during the heated arguement. Lara loves all of them because she thinks she can't have them as boyfriend. She  is scared of starting new relationship as she is not a risk-taker and I kinda get that. Lara reminds me of myself  as I am afraid to get back into the relationship after what have happened to me over the past years.

I have a crush on someone else's boyfriend, I have a crush on someone who is way out of my league,I have a crush on  my collegue who doesn't even bother to say hi to me, I even have a crush on somebody who is afraid of commitment and the list is endless.

and they share the same thing too ; they are somebody who I can't afford to have as my boyfriend because I am afraid to take chances.

water under the bridge.

if you gonna let me down,

let me down  gently,

don't pretend that you don't want me.

our love ain't water under the bridge.

 Put Some  Furaiha caramel and dark red shade lipstick and I'm ready to go.

Hari yang cerah, jiwa yang sepi.

Part 1.

I cried helplessly when I saw ur new Skype profile pic. You looked handsome and gained some weight. You also looked happier and I knew, there must be one woman who made u happy and unfortunately, it wasn't me. I thought I did forget about you, but the image of ur smile haunted my dreams and sleepless night. It felt like a sharp pain ran across my heart and I wonder if I could recover from that. Everyhing I had eaten tasted like sand and I hate myself for being so helpless about this whole thing, while you already mov d on with someone new.


Part 2:

I has been receiving weird texts from my students who keep complimenting about how beautiful I am or how I have lost some weight. They praised me and sometimes did cross the line when they expressed their so called unconditional love towards me. It reached my limit when a few students addressed me as sayang, my second wife and even my love. I did not know if they were joking nor being serious but it did affected my teaching as I could not focus anymore. Sometimes, they keep staring at my face for a long time and it made me uncomfortable. I did not know how to handle this.

Part 3 :
A student cried while telling her story ahout her mother who has been diagnosed Cancer stage 4. This 13 years old has been keeping this story as a secret and are feeling afraid with future. I did not know how to react but I did cry true while hugging her. I told her everything is going to be okay eventhough both of us know it isn't true. after she left, I took  sometime to take a deep breath and rebuild my shattered heart.


and despite of these things happene simultaneously. My mind still thinking of you. Dreaming of you trying to comfort me when I am crying on the phone, telling me everything will be okay. Now, you had gone, leaving me stranded while you dance happily with other woman.

Yes, I am a fool and I don't blame you. I'll take all the blame.

Breathe easy my dear, you can find the sunshine in the rain

"I know the love can be so unforgiving,
You've been the victim, too many times,
I'll be the thread, hold you together,
I'll be yours forever,
Will you be mine?"

He sang as we looked straight at the starry night sky.

The stars  blinked beautifully and we  heard the sound of soft cold wind embraced our skins.

I took a deep breath before I parted my mouth to say something, I tried to keep the straight face.

"I don't believe in forever, people can say and promise whatever they want, but in the end, they are the ones who will be leaving and I will stay alone in the dark, reaching out for air. They shatter my confidence and trust without hesitation. So tell me, why I should believe you? "


He sighed heavily and as he leaned closer to me, I tried to distanced myself. Intimacy makes me feel uncomfortable.

and he began to sing

" So let me redefine you.
you can see the the tide move,
Just like the tears in the eyes do,
and when you're feeling alone,
Oh, baby, I'll be right here,
between the sea and the silence
so, breathe easy my dear,
you can find the sunshine in the rain."

Siti, I swear, I'll love you in the different way.

and I stood there silently, praying for the sign from God.

Youngblood

" How many siblings do you have?" I asked him softly. I tried to muster up my courage and my eyes met his penetrating gaze. I tried to keep a straight face as my heart pounded rapidly. I was almost out of breathe. I never thought he could be this intimidating.

I have 4 siblings and  I am the middle child. My nieces and nephews calls me "Pak Lang"
 How about you?

"Oh, I am the middle child too. I have 2 siblings. " I glared to  his sleek watch on his wrist and I tried to focus on the road.


" owh, that's great. Perhaps my nieces and nephews can call you "Mak Lang" in the future". He replied casually. I could sense a smile has been carved on his beautiful lips.

It was the longest and awkward silence. There is no witty remarks, satire clap back or even a heavy grunt. Nothing, Nunca. It was just, dead, heavy yet anxious silence.

To be honest, it was the smoothest pick up line that I have ever received in my life.

Contemplating, I tried to open my mouth as my pathetic attempt to reply  his last remark before he interrupted my anxiousness with " Oh babe, you're blushing and I'm kinda addicted to it"

My heart just smiles again.

After a long year, my heart starts to find its way to happiness. ;)

I love you dangerously.

He stares at me deeply, suddenly he sighs heavily before he shifts his gaze to the empty road.

One think I like about him is, he has the most piercing and convincing gaze that I've ever seen. He is so confident and the aura radiates a positive aura. You could never hate this guy.


'So, I guess, we will not meet again?" He asks slowly and he is taking time to steer the wheel.

" I don't know, I need time" I don't even have the courage to look him into the eyes while I utter those words.

" Ah, time. Okay" then, it goes  silence for a few minutes , and it is too heavy and makes me feel uncomfortable

" I am sorry,  I need more time, let's take it slow, let's not put label in our relationship" I try to remain calm as I can see he is trying to do the same too albeit for different reason.

" I don't give any damn about timing, it is not fair to judge me based on your previous relationship. I will never be him, I will never be someone you are looking for if you keep closing your heart like this" he started to raise his voice slightly. Ah, how I hate argument.


"can we talk about this later, I am just too exhausted, pls "

"okay"

Please take my hands and take me dancing, oh it's so romantic.

Staring at the blank screen for hours

deciding and contemplating to erase all of the past memories,

some of the people, might be asking, what's the point,

if your heart choose to remember, the memories will stay forever,

nah, I beg to differ, I want to rewrite my future as I believe,

The future is going to be bright and the shadow days will be over.

Let's raise our glass high to embrace 30's

Siti , you are indeed awesome, don't let a man or anybody steals that away from you.

New romantics

Everyday is like a battle,
but every night with you is like a dream.