Chasing Cars.

"I love you" means so much to me. It shows vulnerability, it implies endless compassion, it speaks volume.

So, when I say "I love you", it means I treasure you, I value you and your self worth, I cherish every moment with you, I adore you, I hate you for making me missing you badly, I hate when you are mad at me, I see a future with you.

"I love you " means I trust you with my whole soul, I am happy with you, and I would not do anything to hurt you.

Therefore, when I say  I love you, please don't take it for granted because I love hard. I love real hard. I don't know how to love gently, maybe other people say I love too much, but it's the only way I know how to love.

Hence, when I utter these three words, I don't say it for fun, or just want to make you happy. I mean it will all of my heart. "I love you" means I would love to wake up next to you every morning and spend the rest of the night talking about us against the world. When I say "I love you" , it means I can picture what the future looks like with you and I only want one version of future. The future that includes you.

So, when you hear to these words, don't take it for granted. Accept it with arms wide open, acknowledge my love. Feel the thunder that shakes everything and if you feel the same, take away my heart.

When I say those three words, believe in me. Put your trust in me. When you're ready to utter those words , don't hold back. Say it when you mean it and say it because you believe in me too.


Thank you.

I love you too Mohd Taufik Ibrahim. I really do.

Memories that haunt your dream

I remember clearly that night. It was raining heavily as I put some make up on and looked in the mirror, trying to convince myself that I looked impeccable. "Finally, this is the night I am going meet you abang" I muttered under my breath as I held my chest. It was nerve wrecking because after 3 years of being together, that night was the night that would unite us together. As I traced my lips with burgundy lipstick, I smiled cheerfully. I kept thinking and imagining how the date would turn out. Did I put too much make up? Were you going to like me? Have you eaten or should we grabbed a light dinner together and spent the rest of the night talking?

Then, I steered the steering and navigated the car carefully as I thought I had a plenty of time. You were scheduled to arrive at 9.00 pm and it usually takes 30-40 minutes from my home to Senai, depending on the traffic. I took my own sweet time as I hummed delightfully. The rain kept pouring in yet it showed no sign
of stopping. Therefore, I drove slowly to avoid unfortunate event.

I reached the basement parking lot. It was eerie and quiet. It reminded me of the thriller movie scene and I paced nervously, hoping I could reach the ground quickly. When I entered the elevator, I sighed in relief and I was excited to meet you. After all the planning, finally I would be able to talk to you dorectly, I would be able to stare at your beautiful eyes and perhaps hear your infectious laughter. I always love when you laugh over my stupid jokes. The moment was simple yet genuine.



Then I reached the arrival section as I waited anxiously for you. I scanned the whole waiting area as all the passengers walked past me, headed to their respective loved ones. I tried to remain calm because it was no sign of you. I wondered where were you, did you board ur flight, or did something bad happen to you.Then, after waiting for almost an hour, I sat down on the bench and started to cry. I could not help it. My dreams were shattered and tears were streaming down my face. It felt like the whole world were crumbling down and I was left alone and stranded in the dark jungle with no route to escape. I was choking in my tears and I felt breathless as I tried to ease the pain. I felt betrayed by your empty promises and I felt like a stupid woman who kept waiting to meet you when you clearly weren't interested to meet me in real life. I blamed myself as I drove back to my home. Heck, I cursed myself for being so utterly stupid for trusting you and your freaking empty promises. I cried, shouted and screamed out my frustation like a lunatic. The heavy rain clouded the road and tears somehow blinded my eyes. I kept praying to Allah that I should leave and hate you. However my heart refused to do that. I just couldn't hate you despite all the pain and frustation you've caused me. Yes, I used to love you to that extent despite the nature of this love is intoxicating, suffocating and miserable.

You broke my heart when u disappeared for the next 7 days and came back later with petty excuses. You seemed to forget about this incident but that night remained in my mind and heart for a long time. It changed my attitude towards the relationships. It changed my perspective on you  and most importantly, it altered how did I view myself. Eventually, I forgive myself and you. However, the pain linger on my chest and it still hurts a lot whenever I think of it. This is the true embodiement of how you betrayed our relationship and most ultimately, us.


So, when I became overjoyed and excited about what happened last night, I kept  thinking about this pain. It felt like I has been cursed to carry this pain for the rest of my life.

Yakinkan aku tuhan, dia bukan milikku.

This is the mantra I've been chanting for the past 6 years,

and it still lingers on my mind whenever I think of you.

I can't erase the past memories, I can't rectify what I've done to you, I wish I could turn back the time, I wish I could be a better gf, I wish I could be more patience, but I couldn't

and here I am again, down to the memory lane, thinking of you for a little while, before I've decided to move on.

I am still wondering, what are you doing now? where are you now? are you married with the woman of your mother's choice and most importantly, are you happy now?

Despite all of these voices inside in my head, it doesn't matter now. It doesn't matter if i still care about you or I still think of you when I am driving. It doesn't matter if I hear your laughter before I sleep and it doesn't matter if your whisper echo in the air that I breathe in because you've gone away and left me.

I have to move on and pack all the memories and store them in somewhere safe because I know, we will never getting back together.

Time will heal and I am sure, one day, Tuhan akan yakinkan saya, bahawa awak bukan milik saya lagi.

Stay safe, and take care Afif. You will be dearly missed.

you are like a fourier series in my life.

Talking to you on the phone

changing my mood,

lifting up my spirit

and brighten my whole world.


I am still nervous whenever you look straight into my eyes,

and I am still blushing like a school girl whenever you ask me to look into your eyes.

I am excited when I see you're smiling

and I can feel the excitement when I see your sparkling and beautiful eyes are staring at me.

Thank you for tonight, and for the previous nights.

I just want to capture all the sweet memories and keep them  in my heart.


can't wait for the second date! One nore month and still countingg!

Step out the darkness and into the sun.

Take a  risk
Take a chance
Make a change
and breakaway.

Thank you, next.

To all my past, present and future

Past 

To someone who loves me unconditionally. 

Dear Dhous,

Thank you for loving me unconditionally. Thank you for all the compassion and warmth you have offered me since 11 years ago. However, I can't reciprocate the love you have offered me and I am extremly sorry for that. I can't love you more than friend and you can't change how do you feel about me. So, here we are, bidding farewell to each other and hoping one day, we would overcome our differences and reach the consensus to save our friendship. 

To the boy who had loved me before

Dear Afif, 

Thank you for being such a great lover for almost 6 years. You've shown me happiness, taught me patience and helped me to find myself again after series of disastrous break-ups. You made me feel beautiful and helped me to find confidence in love again. We had our ups and downs but you stayed loyal and true for the entire time. I am sorry for all the harsh words, pain, and torture. I am really sorry. I have come to the conclusion that I have to leave you because I love myself more. Waiting for you to come around is like waiting the rain in the draught ; Lonely and helpless. I need to choose myself because I know, deep down you won't choose me. I know, I am not a right woman to be your wife and not even a perfect daughter-in-law to your mother. Demi Allah, I loved you before with all my heart but I'd messed up and I am sorry for that. I've betrayed your trust to ease my pain and loneliness and hurted you along the way. Thank you for making me who I am today and Thank you for all the happy memories we'd cherished before. I have only one regret as I want you to stay as friends and hear your voice for the last time. However, you chose to run away like you always did, and left me alone, in the dark, again. The saddest thing is, you never intended to meet me as I desperately waited for you  in Johor. My mother used to say, if a man wants you, he will cross the sea or climb a mountain to get/meet you. On the contrary, you gave me a lot of excuses and created a deep wound in my heart as I blamed myself when our plans to meet up failed. . My deep-rooted insecurities did not help as well as I  harshly criticised myself and blamed myself for not being beautiful, smart, or even desireable enough. I also thought I was the "suwey" one because whenever we tried to meet, it was always a disaster and you cancelled our plan. I think I had enough and decided to walk away from this toxicitiy. Last but not least, I hope one day you will find your happiness, yet I chose not to be a part of it. We've suffered long enough and you'd paid the biggest toll. It wasn't an easy decision to make but I've learnt to take care of myself and put myself first before I start loving someone else.  I pray to Allah that I will be happier in the future and I believe in that. You will find someone who could bear with all of your antics too. InshaAllah :)

Dear Taufik,

To be honest, it started out just for fun. I didn't see/expect you to be an important part in my life today. We were both feeling deeply hurt by our previous relationships and as we started to watch the world crumbling down, we found each other to lift our spirits up again. We were so cold to each other and the conversation did not run smoothly as we were both afraid to open up our heart again. Now, here we are,feeling happy in each other's company, talking on the phone almost every day and learning to love again. We are still learning to overcome our differences and I don't know, I am excited to know you more.Yes, it's still early to put any hopes or expectation but I am happy where we are now. Thank you for being a loyal listener, a true friend and my biggest supporter. Thank you for always making me feel beautiful whenever I am with you. Thank you for always looking forward to talk to me and miss me when I am not around. Thank you for making an effort to "pujuk" when I feel angry and conflicted. I know you are still recovering as I am doing the same and I don't want to force you. Thank you for making an effort to meet me at Shah Alam and helped me to realise that I am not suwey. I really enjoyed our time together. The conversation ran smoothly, my heart was pounding with excitement and my hands were shaking due to the nervousness. I couldn't describe the feeling when u looked into my eyes because it involved mixed of emotions but one thing for sure, I felt happy that day. Thank you because you've offered to be my companion if I go back from Johor to Kedah. Sanggup teman because u don't want me to drive alone. That's the sweetest thing someone has ever done for me. I don't know what future holds for us, but I am glad you are in my life. The world seems beautiful because you're a part of it :) Can't wait to meet you next month and both of us are counting the days,yay!

My future

To a partner who will truly love me 

I don't know who you are. I really don't. However, I do believe you will enter my life when the time is right. Please take care of yourself while I am figuring out my life. I will love you unconditionally and try to be the best version of myself. I will stay with you through thick and thin. Saya percaya, Allah has the best plan for us. Can't wait to see the truth prevails. 

My first picture with Taufik.

Our