Fourth

Misery

Sometimes, sleep eludes me, and that’s okay.
It’s not sorrow or misery that keeps me awake—far from it.
I am happy, truly content with the life I have now.
I really am.

Yet, in fleeting moments like this, your memory drifts into my mind,
like an old, stubborn echo that refuses to fade.
I find myself wondering—have you eaten? Did you sleep well?
Did you smile today?
I know, my words must mean nothing to you now,
coming from a liar whose promises turned to dust.
But still, I care. I always have.
Perhaps it is merely habit, or maybe just my own foolishness
that keeps me from letting go completely.

Sudah lama aku nukilkan, sudah aku redha, sudah aku pasrah,
tapi mengapa hati ini masih risau akan dirimu?

I close my eyes, yet all I see is the weight of my remorse—
the pain of my lies, the regret of deception,
and the cold rejection from your mother,
who would not even grant me a single chance to explain.
She despises me, and I understand.
But never, not even once, have I hated her.
If anything, I only feel sorrow for her, a sadness I cannot explain.

And please, do not ask me why I still think of you,
why you linger in my thoughts through my lowest nights and brightest days.
I have no answers.
All I know is that my heart yearns for your happiness,
and the only time I will truly find peace
is when I see you laugh again, when I know you are smiling without pain.
That will be the moment I can finally let go.

Take care, awak. Not for me, but for yourself.

20th March 2019

These 4 words brighten my day.

Itik Salai

The initial plan

23rd March 2019
- I will be going to Seremban and attend my cousin's wedding
- I will be having a lunch date with Taufik. I'd promised him to cook Ayam Masak Merah.

24th March 2019
- I will be staying at Shah Alam for 2 days 1 Night ( I'd booked the hotel)
- Lunch at famous Itik Salai stall with Taufik
- Enjoy apam balik at his friend's stall
- We will go to Bukit Ampang and enjoy the panoramic night view

Then, the chemical dumping at Pasir Gudang happened and affected more than 2k people where they experience nausea, vomiting, asthma, and other symptoms. The school has been closed for 2 weeks.
My mom called and asked me to go back to my hometown Kedah. I've cancelled the plan :(

18th March 2019
- " Awak, boleh temankan saya balik ke Kedah kalau tak menyusahkan" I asked him anxiously
- "Saya check dulu ticket bus dan ticket train." he answered casually.
We discussed and we planned about it. Luckily, my friend who will accompany me from Pasir Gudang is also will be staying at Klang. Therefore I will drop her and fetch Taufik along the way. Alhamdulillah, dipermudahkan.
Before ending the discussion
"Jauh tak, itik salai dengan rumah abang?"
"Tak jauh sangat, leh je singgah lunch sana"
"Hooray!" I was really excited

18th March 2019 (11.00pm)
" Jadi esok macamana? our finalised plan?"
" Esok ambil saya dulu, kemudian, drop kawan awak, gi ambik barang dekat supplier lunch dekat itik salai, and pos barang dekat area2 sini"
"okay, xkisah mana-mana, asalkan boleh bersama abang" (sila muntah darah)
"Sempat je kalau singgah beli apam balik"
"Betul ke ni??????" I shouted excitedly
" Betul lah, sempat je , " he answered and was amused over my unexepcted excitement.
"yay, thanks sebab selalu penuhi apa saya nak. Saya tak demand sangat. Benda2 kecik pun dah buat saya bahagia sebab saya selalu jarang dapat sesuatu atau dapat benda yang saya nak. Sekali dah dapat, saya akan hargai"
" Saya just nak buat awak rasa bahagia"
" Thank you abang. I love you"
" I lub you too" he answered coyly
"Lub is so rempit-ish"
Aik, cakap lub pun salah ke?"


Alhamdulillah, it always feels like a smooth sailing whenever we plan our meet-ups. Dari first jumpa smpai dah kali ketiga. Eventhough it is an ad hoc decision, everything falls into places perfectly. Thank you for making me happy. I really do. Terima kasih sebab temankan saya balik ke kg halaman. I am forever grateful for that. Thanks Topek walau baru je gaduh semalam. 😜😜😜😜😜.

Last night WAS magical,

We stood on the bridge, the wind swept our skin gently and u stared deeply into my eyes.

When you smiled, there were fine wrinkles around your bright eyes and all of the tenderness in your voice make me feel weak,

the conversation ran smoothly and despite of my fear of height, I stood there happily while staring at the dark lake. There were no stars but the dimmed light on the bridge shone on our faces. I kept teasing you just to hide the anxiety away. You laughed over my stupid jokes and smiled when I looked the other way when clearly you tried to hold your gaze on me.

I never thought I could be this nervous let alone, falling in love too fast. I am afraid I will hold onto this fragment of memory forever yet you will leave me, just like the others did. You will get tired of my negativity, my downs, my jealousy and my insecurity. I am so messed up and it seems that I can't find ways to love myself. How can I love you when I don't know how to love myself first? I don't know, I just want to embed the memory of last night and sleep forever. I am too tired of loving someone wholeheartedly just to let them break and shatter it into pieces.


On the other side, last night was the night I fell in love with your for thousandth times and I still do now. Thanks Topek for picking me up around 11pm and spent your late night just to making me feel happy. Despite of your sentiment towards Putrajaya, you brought me to my favourite bridge, Jambatan Seri Wawasan and let me indulged myself there. I love you so much abang. I really do. Please don't leave me.