Misery

Sometimes, sleep eludes me, and that’s okay.
It’s not sorrow or misery that keeps me awake—far from it.
I am happy, truly content with the life I have now.
I really am.

Yet, in fleeting moments like this, your memory drifts into my mind,
like an old, stubborn echo that refuses to fade.
I find myself wondering—have you eaten? Did you sleep well?
Did you smile today?
I know, my words must mean nothing to you now,
coming from a liar whose promises turned to dust.
But still, I care. I always have.
Perhaps it is merely habit, or maybe just my own foolishness
that keeps me from letting go completely.

Sudah lama aku nukilkan, sudah aku redha, sudah aku pasrah,
tapi mengapa hati ini masih risau akan dirimu?

I close my eyes, yet all I see is the weight of my remorse—
the pain of my lies, the regret of deception,
and the cold rejection from your mother,
who would not even grant me a single chance to explain.
She despises me, and I understand.
But never, not even once, have I hated her.
If anything, I only feel sorrow for her, a sadness I cannot explain.

And please, do not ask me why I still think of you,
why you linger in my thoughts through my lowest nights and brightest days.
I have no answers.
All I know is that my heart yearns for your happiness,
and the only time I will truly find peace
is when I see you laugh again, when I know you are smiling without pain.
That will be the moment I can finally let go.

Take care, awak. Not for me, but for yourself.