To all my past, present and future
Past
To someone who loves me unconditionally.
Dear Dhous,
Thank you for loving me unconditionally. Thank you for all the compassion and warmth you have offered me since 11 years ago. However, I can't reciprocate the love you have offered me and I am extremly sorry for that. I can't love you more than friend and you can't change how do you feel about me. So, here we are, bidding farewell to each other and hoping one day, we would overcome our differences and reach the consensus to save our friendship.
To the boy who had loved me before
Dear Afif,
Thank you for being such a great lover for almost 6 years. You've shown me happiness, taught me patience and helped me to find myself again after series of disastrous break-ups. You made me feel beautiful and helped me to find confidence in love again. We had our ups and downs but you stayed loyal and true for the entire time. I am sorry for all the harsh words, pain, and torture. I am really sorry. I have come to the conclusion that I have to leave you because I love myself more. Waiting for you to come around is like waiting the rain in the draught ; Lonely and helpless. I need to choose myself because I know, deep down you won't choose me. I know, I am not a right woman to be your wife and not even a perfect daughter-in-law to your mother. Demi Allah, I loved you before with all my heart but I'd messed up and I am sorry for that. I've betrayed your trust to ease my pain and loneliness and hurted you along the way. Thank you for making me who I am today and Thank you for all the happy memories we'd cherished before. I have only one regret as I want you to stay as friends and hear your voice for the last time. However, you chose to run away like you always did, and left me alone, in the dark, again. The saddest thing is, you never intended to meet me as I desperately waited for you in Johor. My mother used to say, if a man wants you, he will cross the sea or climb a mountain to get/meet you. On the contrary, you gave me a lot of excuses and created a deep wound in my heart as I blamed myself when our plans to meet up failed. . My deep-rooted insecurities did not help as well as I harshly criticised myself and blamed myself for not being beautiful, smart, or even desireable enough. I also thought I was the "suwey" one because whenever we tried to meet, it was always a disaster and you cancelled our plan. I think I had enough and decided to walk away from this toxicitiy. Last but not least, I hope one day you will find your happiness, yet I chose not to be a part of it. We've suffered long enough and you'd paid the biggest toll. It wasn't an easy decision to make but I've learnt to take care of myself and put myself first before I start loving someone else. I pray to Allah that I will be happier in the future and I believe in that. You will find someone who could bear with all of your antics too. InshaAllah :)
Dear Taufik,
To be honest, it started out just for fun. I didn't see/expect you to be an important part in my life today. We were both feeling deeply hurt by our previous relationships and as we started to watch the world crumbling down, we found each other to lift our spirits up again. We were so cold to each other and the conversation did not run smoothly as we were both afraid to open up our heart again. Now, here we are,feeling happy in each other's company, talking on the phone almost every day and learning to love again. We are still learning to overcome our differences and I don't know, I am excited to know you more.Yes, it's still early to put any hopes or expectation but I am happy where we are now. Thank you for being a loyal listener, a true friend and my biggest supporter. Thank you for always making me feel beautiful whenever I am with you. Thank you for always looking forward to talk to me and miss me when I am not around. Thank you for making an effort to "pujuk" when I feel angry and conflicted. I know you are still recovering as I am doing the same and I don't want to force you. Thank you for making an effort to meet me at Shah Alam and helped me to realise that I am not suwey. I really enjoyed our time together. The conversation ran smoothly, my heart was pounding with excitement and my hands were shaking due to the nervousness. I couldn't describe the feeling when u looked into my eyes because it involved mixed of emotions but one thing for sure, I felt happy that day. Thank you because you've offered to be my companion if I go back from Johor to Kedah. Sanggup teman because u don't want me to drive alone. That's the sweetest thing someone has ever done for me. I don't know what future holds for us, but I am glad you are in my life. The world seems beautiful because you're a part of it :) Can't wait to meet you next month and both of us are counting the days,yay!
My future
To a partner who will truly love me
I don't know who you are. I really don't. However, I do believe you will enter my life when the time is right. Please take care of yourself while I am figuring out my life. I will love you unconditionally and try to be the best version of myself. I will stay with you through thick and thin. Saya percaya, Allah has the best plan for us. Can't wait to see the truth prevails.
My first picture with Taufik.
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